"You see the smile that's on my mouth,
It's hiding the words that don't come out."
Recently I underwent a change so huge it shook me. I hid it (or atleast I think I did) and I smiled through it and only let the tears come when I was alone at night, watching the stars. In the day, I would get dressed, do my make-up routine and slap on a smile on my face and carry on like my heart wasn't breaking. Carried on as if the clearly thought-out dreams and hopes I had spun hadn't just been tossed aside rather brutally.
So I mourned the loss. The loss of my trust, the loss of a friendship, the loss of much laughter and many smiles. The loss of so many conversations. More than anything, the loss of my dreams.
And then it came to me. Very much like the famed realizations, very much like the shaft of light that throws things in a new perspective. What came to me was the following-
I could start over. I could choose a different path for myself. And I could dream a whole set of new things. I was a kid in a candy store and I could pick out something else now. Something I didn't know I wanted. I was free. I was free from the life I had picked out for myself three years ago. I was free and I could do something else now. I could BE someone else now. Or I could just be me.
Maybe I've learnt more in the past few weeks than I have in so long, and I have been shaken out of my lazed contentedness. I've lost so much in one fell swoop, it takes me time to fully comprehend the loss.
But I think, having found myself, was worth it.
